Today's blog is an anonymous guest post, and a little bit different to the norm, but I hope everyone will read, digest and respond to it honestly but sensitively, that is all I ask.
I shall refrain from saying any more until after the post, and hand over the reins to USS:
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You be the Jury by Une Souris Secrete
I asked BookwormMummy if she knew somewhere I could have a
voice, a blog that would be happy to contain the sort of stuff you are about to
read about, she immediately offered me her own. I will always be grateful for
that. I suddenly felt like I could have my say and hopefully in doing so, help
other people. I am also grateful to her for being someone I felt I could open
up to about what has happened to me. So thank you BookwormMummy.
So who am I? I'm a twenty-something with a husband and a
couple of kids. I consider myself to be fun, easy going and it's important to
me to make other people smile. I usually do this by trying to put stupid
amounts of food in my mouth (i.e. 4 creme eggs!) which undoubtedly makes me
feel sick, but makes everyone around me laugh - so it's worth it!
So here is my story. It's not an easy thing to write and I
don't think it's an easy thing to read. I'm hoping that, at the very least,
it'll spark some thought and discussion.
A while ago I went on holiday alone. I was so excited! The
thought of no one waking me up before I wanted to get up, freedom to do what I
wanted when I wanted... brilliant! I had asked if anyone would put me up while
I was on holiday alone abroad and an old friend kindly offered me his spare
room for the weekend.
Once there, I met him
from work and we went out for a drink and then had supper at home with a couple
of glasses of wine. I was pretty shattered from the travelling, even though it
wasn't far, so I turned in early.
The following day I was a completely free agent to do whatever
I pleased! So, after finding breakfast, I took myself off for a day of tourist-related
fun! It felt so great to be able to be spontaneous, something which seems to
have disappeared from my life now I'm married with kids. At home I avoid long
journeys because they usually end up with me turning into “evil mummy” and
telling my kids to shut up or I'll leave them by the side of the road! Sound
familiar?! So I took the opportunity to drive a long way and it was great to
just drive and enjoy the scenery, visit some tourist hot spots and then head
home, as and when I wanted to.
That evening there was an England football game so my friend’s
parents invited us round to watch it. There was a crowd of people there, all
the same age as my friend's parents, getting ready to enjoy the footie. I'm not
a huge football fan but I can happily join in with the excitement. So we all
settled down with some food and drink and watched the match unfold. I was told
to help myself to whatever I wanted and found a lovely rose in the fridge. I
had 3 small glasses of this with my food - not a lot as the culture there is to
use a tiny glass. So by the end of the match I had pink cheeks and a full
tummy! Plus we won so the atmosphere was jolly. In celebration of our win, my friend’s
dad decided to get the spirits out. I opted for the terribly British G&T
and it was poured to perfection, just the right gin/tonic ratio. I managed to
blag a fag off someone (I'm a classy bird!) so felt very content sitting in the
garden, debating with his dad (a chemist) whether it's possible to take drugs
responsibly. He made me a couple more
and it was with the final G&T my memory ends…
9am the following day I woke up with a strange sensation; something
stroking my thigh and arse. My head went 'What the fuck?!' I turned over to
find “so-called friend” in bed with me. Now, outside my head, 'Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck?! I'm guessing we
slept together last night then?', “So
called friend” 'Yep, although it didn't
last long cos you stopped moving. *jovially* I thought I'd better stop or I
could've had a rape charge against me! Haha!'… I'm not sure how I reacted
externally but inside I felt sick. My head was thumping and I could tell I was
still drunk. How? What? I felt so confused. My head was spinning now with
thoughts... I don't remember leaving his parents; I have my period so how could
we? I would never normally do that, how did this happen? I got out of bed and
went to the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, my image blurry still, I
wondered what was going on. Had I woken too early from a nightmare?
I have a very dear friend who I messaged. 'OMG I've woken up
with “so-called friend” in my bed!!!' Friend: 'What?????' Me: 'I know!! I don't
remember anything!' and so on...
“So-called friend” made me a drink to try to lessen the
effect of my hangover. I had to work so hard not to flip out. He clearly didn't
think there was anything untoward going on. He even came over and gave me a
hug, which made me realise that a) I was still naked and b) I did not want him
near me. I made my excuses and went to get my pyjamas on. My head was still
spinning so once I'd had my drink I went back to bed, firmly closing the door
to my room.
A couple hours of sleep later he came in to let me know we
needed to leave soon to get to the event we were meeting other people at. He
came and sat on the bed and then kissed me, “ YUCK!” went the voice in my head.
I quickly disappeared to the shower, where I wept and wept... I sobbed so hard
I wretched. What was going on? Had I asked for it? Had I made the first move?
We got ready and went out, my head still thumping, wishing I
could be anywhere but with this so-called friend, but where could I go? Still
in shock I slapped on the happy face and carried on with the day. 5pm we were
back home. I felt vulnerable and my head still hurt despite the amount of
paracetamol I'd taken to try and lift it. I told “so-called friend” I needed to
rest and went back to my bed, door firmly closed... suitcase in front of it
this time.
I eventually managed to sleep and when he knocked on my door
at half 7 my head seemed to be clearing. It was time to go out for dinner, just
me and him. I got ready and we headed out. I had questions for him. Once we had
ordered I started the interrogation:
Me: “So, how did we get home last night?”
So-called friend: “It was so funny! I had to practically
carry you cos you were so wasted!”
Me: “And then what happened when we got back?”
So-called friend: “You took half your clothes off in the
living room, then went and took the rest of them off in your bedroom! *laughs*
I found you, naked, sitting by the side of your bed with your head on your
knees”
Me: “So you helped me into bed?”
So-called friend: “Yeah, it was pretty obvious you weren't
going to get in by yourself”
Me: “Ok... so then what?”
So-called friend: “Well, the rest is history *huge grin on
his face*”
Now, this conversation disturbed me. He didn't seem to have
any idea that what had happened really shouldn't have happened. I'm not a very
strong person, so I didn't confront him about it. I really wish I had now, but
I was also still very confused about whether perhaps it was my fault.
After supper we went for a drink and he told me that he was
going to tell me, on my last night there, that he has always fancied me and
would I spend the night in his bed. If he had asked me this, I would have said
no. I didn't say this to him at this point as in my mind the ship for that had
well and truly sailed, and surely he would know that after what had happened
the previous night, and all my 'FUCKS' he'd have got the message? However, I
obviously should have been clearer, as that night he moved in for a kiss when I
said goodnight... I turned my cheek and went to bed, firmly closing and this
time locking the door.
So... after another awkward 48 hours in his company, it was
time for me to go home. Thank fuck for that.
I have spent a lot of time thinking this over and talking to
close friends and my counsellor who I was seeing anyway. There is NO WAY I
would have been able to consent to having sex that night. By his own admission
I could hardly walk, passed out during sex plus I had my period. I NEVER have
sex during my period. I'm going to be a bit graphic now so feel free to skip to
the next paragraph if you need to. When I woke and realised what had happened,
one of my many thoughts was 'Where the fuck is the tampon I was wearing last
night?!' I didn't remember taking it out and when I went to the loo I couldn't
find the string. So where was it? In the shower, I tried to find it but it
wasn't anywhere I could reach if it was indeed still inside me. The mystery
resolved itself A WEEK LATER while I was in the shower. I was cleaning myself
and felt something strange. When I realised what it was I removed it and put it
straight down the toilet. It was so disgusting I gagged. And then I wept and
wept again. There was the evidence for me that I had not consented. Off it
went, down the toilet. The last bit of it, banished from my body.
I'm still confused about it all but I have wonderful friends
and a counsellor who are helping me understand what happened. Other people have
used the 'R' word, but I hesitate at doing so. Perhaps because I still have the
feeling that I was partly at fault. I won't do anything about what happened
with regards to the police. I don't see the point in stirring it all up. I know
that if it was a friend of mine this had happened to I'd be encouraging her to
though! I'd be incandescent with rage and want to see him brought to justice,
but I just don't want to. Selfish? Maybe. Essential for my own sanity?
Definitely.
It's been over a month now since it happened and although I
cried a lot initially, and have talked it over with people, I feel really
detached from it. I have always had a knack for compartmentalising my life -
which isn't always a good thing, but I seem to have been able to put what
happened in a box. Self-preservation perhaps? I hate to think what would happen
if I lift the lid, best to keep it closed for now, until one day when I'm
feeling stronger.
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This guest post was firstly a chance for USS to talk openly about what she experienced and to lay out the thoughts she has had to keep internal since, as still there's much apparent confusion and a lack of clarity about what took place that weekend. It was also agreed that it could be a piece that will challenge readers to think about where they would stand in such a situation, or, if they have been in that situation, to offer some consolation and help to what to do next.
When I first read the above story I was angry; it angers me that a holiday about independence and freedom went so wrong, angry that someone's trust was abused when their guard was down, and angry that this happens more than people realise. His blatant ignorance, if nothing else, of the way that night had affected his "friend" is worrying. How, even when spelt out in direct questioning, the penny never dropped that perhaps if someone is so inebriated they are unable to walk, get undressed properly, or get themselves in to bed, may mean they are therefore incapable of consenting to whether they want a bedtime cocoa or not let alone sex, is very disturbing. The fact such force was used that a tampon was damaged and displaced is indisputable. That is my opinion.
I hope to be able, at the right time in their lives, to discuss consent with and educate my boys about what should and shouldn't happen and when. Yes, it is a grey area, as are many things in life. Very often all kinds of media around us are guilty of portraying situations that can influence a person's correct judgement or incorrectly shift the burden of responsibility on to the wrong person. I am not saying everyone should stop, get out a contract/declaration and have it in writing before anything commences (although the popularity of Mr Grey may mean this starts happening!!), but there's always a point where you consider the other person, and if you aren't at all sure (and let me tell you, semi-consciousness and the inability to walk is a big red flag here!) then you stop. Is there a point of no return, is there a time when you can't refuse and stay stop, I don't think so.
I think I can honestly say that there were times when, particularly when I was younger, this could have easily happened to me. I've been drunk before (this may not surprise you) with friends that I felt comfortable to get drunk around; I've also been drunk, lost my friends in a bar/walked to the loo alone/walked home with a "friend" and had a man make a pass and I've been able to say no; I've also been asleep when someones made a move they shouldn't have but thankfully I wasn't drunk and I was able to fight them off and say no! Have you been in that situation before, would it have been your fault had something happened you weren't able to consent to? And yes, this applies to men as much as women. I had a friend at university who did the whole chivalrous thing and walked a friend of his girlfriend home early from a group night out after she said she was ill, only to have her force herself on him and blackmail him to do something he didn't want to do otherwise she would tell everyone, including the police, he had attacked her. He too was full of regret and confusion over what had happened and whose fault it was, but the look of terror in his eyes, and the way he became so withdrawn afterwards, left no doubt in my mind what had happened and who was at fault.
I'm very grateful to USS for allowing me to post her story and embracing the chance to have her say and help anyone else affected by this difficult subject.
So what are your thoughts/feelings/opinions? What would you have done? What have you done?
You be the jury.
If this has affected you and you'd like to talk to someone about any aspects of sexual violence, assault or violation then you can contact Rape Crisis (for women and girls) online http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ or call 0808 802 9999 or Survivors UK http://www.survivorsuk.org/ for men and boys or anyone needing support can contact the Samaritans
It is important, like USS, you at least share it with someone, either confidentially, anonymously, or to someone you know and trust.
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